Marriage in Quarantine

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Doug Wildman | March 27, 2020

Marriage in Quarantine

The Covid-19 Crucible

As we sit at home waiting for the Covid-19 pandemic to run its course, we’re forced to deal with a reality that we’ve always known ─ marriage is hard. It’s hard at the best of times, but it’s especially evident when we’re living in proximity to each other 24 hours a day. This isn’t necessarily because there’s something wrong with your relationship. Even the closest couples will experience profound differences in communication style and priorities. These differences are not universally true, but they are common enough to suggest that God created men and women to be mentally and emotionally different from each other. Where we run into trouble is when we use our own rubric to judge our spouse’s intentions, which is rarely accurate. We get offended because of our assumptions, and offended people act on their assumptions. Our spouse then gets offended at our negative reactions, and the cycle continues. 

Separate But United

In Genesis we see a pattern in God’s created order. God first speaks things into existence, and then he separates them into smaller segments for more definition.

  • God separated the light from the darkness. Genesis 1:4 (NLT)
  • God made the space to separate the waters of the earth from the waters of the heavens. Genesis 1:7 (NLT)
  • God separated the waters of the earth from the dry land. (See Genesis 1:9)
  • God separated one type of seed-bearing plant from another. (See Genesis 1:12)
  • Then God said, ‘Let lights appear in the sky to separate the day from the night.' Genesis 1:14-18 (NLT)
  • God caused the animals to reproduce young of their own kind, separating them from other types of animals. (See Genesis 1:25)
  • God created humanity in His own image, separating them from the animal kingdom.
  • God distinguished the Sabbath Day from the other days of the week, declaring it holy (i.e., separate or set apart). Genesis 2:3 (NLT)  

It shouldn’t come as a surprise when God separated the woman from the man (Genesis 2:22), that they were very distinct from each other, complementary partners in life. Just as we could not define darkness without light, we cannot fully appreciate masculinity without femininity. They’re different from each other by God’s design.

Out of the entire created order, only in marriage does God reverse separation and command the two to reunite as one (Matthew 19:5, Mark 10:8, Ephesians 5:31). This is why marriage is hard. Imagine if water and land reunited. Or imagine if day and night reunited. It would surely create some challenges! Why would God do such a thing with males and females? Because He knows it’s best for us, but best does not always mean easiest (see 1 Corinthians 7).

Real Peace

Most literature on marriage starts off with a false definition of peace. It assumes that peace is just the absence of conflict, but that’s not peace at all. The most tumultuous times in history haven’t come during wartime, but during times when the self was elevated. This is why Jesus said,

“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give…” John 14:27 (NLT).

Think of a time when someone gave you a special gift. What comes to mind? My guess is that that gift was both thoughtful and unearned. This is true of the gift that Jesus offers us too. We do not attain peace in our marriage by following six principles in some marriage gurus’ book. No, peace is a gift that’s freely offered to you by Jesus. It starts by allowing the peace of God to rule in our hearts (Colossians 3:15 (NLT). Practically speaking, this means becoming less, not more. It means listening to what God is saying to you in your situation. Are you experiencing a time of discord? Thank God for it, because emotions give us the opportunity to ask,

  1. What in my spouse’s actions or words was the initial spark to my emotions?
  2. What was the message to my heart that lead to that emotion?
  3. When have you heard that message before?
  4. Does that belief feel true?
  5. Am I willing to present that belief to God and ask Him for His perspective?

As you go through this process, you come to realize that your spouse is not your enemy, and neither are your emotions. In fact, both are a vital part of your journey. God desires you to experience true peace, not the superficial kind that’s merely the absence of conflict. Ephesians 4:22-24 (NLT) tells us to. Throw off your old sinful nature and former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy. That old nature is like carrying a corpse of your back. Throw it off! You were created for more than self-fulfillment. You were created for righteousness and holiness. Here’s the good news, it’s your old nature, not your current nature. You don’t have to be weighed down by it anymore, but you must throw it off. You need to let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. That means we ask and allow the Spirit to change us… not our spouse, but us.

At the beginning of this article, I asked a simple question, Why is it best that men and women be so different from each other? There are at least three reasons. Marriage teaches us how to

  1. Love selflessly.
  2. Experience real peace.
  3. Maintain a vital relationship with the Father through prayer.

Be grateful that God gave you your spouse. He knew exactly what He was doing.*

*If you’re experiencing abuse, please call Brookwood Care Ministries at 864.688.8355, or call Safe Harbor at 864.467.1177.